Well that's not exactly how it all worked out, and I was resistant to readjust, which resulted in a depressing unproductive day!
It all started when I woke up at 5 am having a coughing fit over a tickle in my throat that keeps reappearing in the middle of the night. It's been disturbing my sleep for a week now. So I got up had my coffee, watched Dr.Phil, and tried organizing my thoughts. THAT didnt happen, they were all over the place up, down, left, right, circles, and zig zags. I was barely able to process a complete thought before another one interrupted it. I should have taken that as a hint but I told myself I would work on my to-do list after I dropped my son off.
Got myself back in a grateful mindset and got the kids up and ready, off to school and dropped off. That part was easy!
When I got home the battle in my head started, I made my to-do lists and put unreasonable expectations on myself for one day. Bad choice.
I was sitting on the couch and couldn't force myself to get up and doing anything. After awhile of arguing with myself I got some laundry folded, and more going. But I was still feeling disappointed in myself, and guilty for wasting a whole day and getting very little accomplished. Self pity and self blame, more bad choices.
Finally around 1pm I textd my mom asking her if she had a minute, she said yes so I called her. I don't remember word for word what I said but it was something along the lines of, "Hey mom, I don't know what's going on today, I'm in a funk. I haven't felt this depressed in a long time and I don't even have anything to be depressed about. I can't even pick myself up off the couch and I have a mile long to-do list. I feel guilty for getting nothing done today. "
I'm so grateful I can call my moms and they know exactly what I need to hear or be reminded of. She reminded me that I was choosing to feel guilty, and how busy I've been and it's ok to take time for myself. I needed to recharge so I could keep doing everything I need and want to do for myself, my family and others. And she was exactly right, I have been going hard lately, and I have a really busy month coming up, including a 16 hour road trip that I've been arranging to move my Grandparents home before Christmas.
My mind, body and soul were trying to tell me to take a day of rest and relaxation, that should have been #1 on my to-do list. But instead I wasted the day wollowing in self pity and self blame. Had I thought about all the ways I could have used yesterday just to take care of myself, it would have still been a productive day just in another way.
By the time I processed all this it was just about time to pick up my son, so I wasn't able to do much. But I went and got a cup of coffee and had a nice chat with my Wifey on her lunch break. At least my attitude was changed and I wasn't beating myself up anymore. I told myself it was ok and I'll get it done soon. After that I knocked two more things off my to do list without even trying! AMAZING!!
It's nice to receive these reminders, it helps put life back into perspective. I know how important it is to take care of myself so I can continue being a great mother, wife, daughter, friend, and sister. I simply was forgetting because it wasn't my original plan, I failed to readjust, and I let the negative thoughts take over. Because of that failure I have learned and grown, I will remember to listen to my mind, body and soul and I will be more willing to readjust when my day gets fully flipped around. With that said, I fully welcome and embrace each failure, without it my personal growth wouldn't be nearly as meaningful and authentic.
I am grateful for all the heartaches, failures, bad choices, and dark paths I took. Without them I wouldn't be the strong, compassionate, grateful mother, wife, friend, and sister that I am. I am enough.
Be Grateful.
Your reflection on this day is so insightful! It's so eloquent. So many people struggle with the shoulds. We listen to the shoulds because we fear that if we don't we won't be enough. But miracle of miracles, we are already enough without accomplishing one cotton picking thing! Lucky us. Grace is amazing!
ReplyDelete